Molding me with every detail..

I've made it a point to only try to write when there's really something on my mind.. I've never been a big fan of thoughtless babbling.

The future scares the living daylights out of me, period. Everything about it..
There's the side of me that knows that all I want for the rest of my life is to be the wife and mother that God wants me to be, and there's the side of me that realizes "Hey, I'm 16 years old, I'm finished with highschool, NOW would be the time to go to beauty school if I'm ever going to do that." Part of me wants to eventually open a business that "makes you beautiful" for your special day. I'd love to do make-up, hair, and nails of wedding parties, your prom, homecoming, or whatever other special event you have in mind. It wouldn't be a huge business, of course, so that I could still be at home with my family most of the time.... kinda just do it as a side thing. . . and then there's the part of me that realizes that there's a huge possibility that I'm going to marry someone who needs me to support HIM 100% in whatever it is that he does if I'm going to be the wife I'm supposed to be. I know that God is the only one who knows my future... if I even have a future. I just pray that He would open the doors that He wants open and close the doors to anything outside of His will. Dad wants me to get into industrial sewing.. and I don't hate it, don't get me wrong.. but I'm very unsure of myself with it. For one, I don't know anything about it! He says that if I just keep doing it I'll figure it out. I can't function that way! I need a class, something, some kind of surety that I know what I'm doing. I keep looking for any sort of classes around here and can't seem to find any as of yet.. Praise the Lord. I know that it'll all work out. I hate being in the phase of not knowing what's next. As much as I trust the Lord, and want to completely just believe I'm going to trip over His purpose for my life.. it's so hard not to think about and try to figure out on my own. *sigh*

My other mind consuming thoughts of the week are not understanding why my life has always been surrounded by people who walk out of my life as quickly as they walk in. I've always had a very stable family, and most things in my life are stable, and I'm very blessed to have that. But I've also lived with more people in my life than well over the average American.. and that part of life is very unstable. You never know who's coming or going, who's going to be around forever and who's going to leave in the matter of days. You never know who you can get close to and trust and who is going to walk out the door in the morning and never look back. Before I go any further I have to say that it's been worth it for the people that made it. The people that did stick around and listen have made a huge difference in my life and I am very grateful for them. There's no price that can be put on their souls and their lives being changed forever.
The easiest thing, and most obvious answer, would of course be to become a hermit and hide all of my feelings, never trust anyone, and wait until they've proven that they aren't going anywhere to open up to them. Well, it's not that easy. I'm an open person, I have nothing to hide. I want to give everyone a chance to know me, and a chance to be the person that's words could make a difference. I believe that I have been that person in the past.. I believe even some of the people that walked out of the door and seemed to have never looked back did. I'm ashamed to say that I've also been a factor in creating the people that left in the past. That's something I can never take back. The burden of that would be far too much for me to bear on my own and is something I must count as a lesson learned and move forward changed. Through His grace I believe He used even those situations to create something inside of me that nothing else could have. To realize the amount of grace that He showed me, and to know that I'm exactly like they are/were apart from His grace has changed me in an unexplainable way.

Wouldn't it be nice if life was the perfect place we all dream of it being? The perfect family, perfect friends, perfect world. But without the bad things, the hard times, how could we ever prove our love for the Lord? Without persecution, without trial, without chastening we'd go through life living for ourselves without a care in the world, not even realizing the amount of people going to hell every day and that YOU AND I are the ones who will make the difference in their eternity. I know without a shadow of a doubt in my mind that God is using every detail of my life to mold me into the person that He wants me to be. He never said it would be easy... but He did promise to never leave us or forsake us.

Thank You Jesus for always being there.



Lord God, I pray that you would give me direction, wisdom, strength, grace, and your agape love for every single person I come in contact with.

Amen.

A shot at an intriguing introduction...

A blog is a place to write out your thoughts, opinions, beliefs, emotions, and whatever random thought you may have. . and that's exactly what I plan to do. So, don't be alarmed when that's what you find here.

To introduce myself,
I'm sixteen years old, I love Jesus Christ with all of my heart, I have amazing parents, my sister is my best friend, my brothers and I don't have quite the relationship we had at one time, but my brother in law plays the big brother role perfectly, and I love my new niece very, very much.
I was home-schooled my whole life, I worked hard at graduating early and accomplished that this year. I love the outdoors, I have a few close friends who are very precious to me, I love to travel, I love bible studies, I love praising the Lord.
I will elaborate on each of those, and much more in the future, but for now.. we'll talk about what's been on my mind lately.

First of all, I am a servant and disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ and He is involved in everything that I do, I don't want this blog to be any exception to that.
He is the single thing in my life that is steady, never changing, ever faithful, and trustworthy of all that I am, particularly my heart.

I realized over the past few days that "being in love" has been an idol to me. I've never dated anyone, kissed anyone, or even held anyone's hand for that matter.. but that didn't change the fact that thoughts of finding that person had engulfed my mind. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe that it's wrong to desire that.. It becomes wrong when it's all you think about.
I realized that I wasn't trusting the Lord with it, I was trying to figure it out in my own mind. God is so much bigger than that.

There are only a few people that I've actually been able to talk to about this. Everyone else automatically spits out "you're still young". Yes, I am young, but what people don't understand is that if I were to be worried about my career, college, or a job, well that would be perfectly okay, right? Well that's not what I want for my life. I understand that society tells you that you won't be happy without those things.. but I won't be happy with them. Those aren't the desires God has given me. Since as far back as I can remember, all I want is to love the Lord with my whole heart, get married to a man who loves the Lord with his whole heart, and have lots of babies and raise them to love the Lord with their whole heart. But that's not okay, right?

Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you- Matthew 6:33

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart- Psalm 37:4

His word is faithful, and I know that He placed those desires in my heart for a reason. And I know He has a perfect timing for everything. I am still young, and I don't need to be in any kind of hurry.. but that doesn't mean that my heart desires should be any different than they will be years from now. I need to focus on Him, and not worry so much about the future. It's perfectly natural to desire love and affection, but at this point I should much more concerned about HIS love and affection. Which brings me to the subject of waiting....

In this day and age for a 16 year old to have never had a boyfriend is a strange, unusual thing.
Some people have the misconception that it's because of my father.. but that couldn't be more wrong. Yes, I was raised to not date.. but my parents never forced that on us. All three of my older siblings dated, and second to God, I credit them for why I chose not to. All three of them ended up with their hearts broken at some point, which made me realize that what my parents taught us was so true. If you completely trust the Lord with your future soul-mate, and keep Him first, you won't ever have to experience heart break in that form! In my case, being a girl, I am submitted to my dad as my spiritual authority. God has set him in my life to be my head and my covering. Before it's time for me to be with anyone, God will reveal to my dad who my Mr. Right is. You might think that's crazy, but I've seen it happen. If I step out from under that covering and try to find Mr. Right on my own, that's when I open myself up to heart break.

When I do find Mr. Right, I want to be able to give him my whole heart.. not little bitty piece of it that are left over from previous relationships. I want him to know that he was worth the wait, and that there's no one else that ever made me feel the way I'm going to feel with him, that there was never anyone else that was worthy of holding my heart, that I kept myself pure for him, and that I saved my first kiss for him to have forever. *smile* In Jesus' name.

So the main purpose of this post is to say that from now on.. I'm waiting entirely on the Lord, trusting entirely in His timing, and not letting my desires turn in to idols in Jesus' name.


The end.