Molding me with every detail..

I've made it a point to only try to write when there's really something on my mind.. I've never been a big fan of thoughtless babbling.

The future scares the living daylights out of me, period. Everything about it..
There's the side of me that knows that all I want for the rest of my life is to be the wife and mother that God wants me to be, and there's the side of me that realizes "Hey, I'm 16 years old, I'm finished with highschool, NOW would be the time to go to beauty school if I'm ever going to do that." Part of me wants to eventually open a business that "makes you beautiful" for your special day. I'd love to do make-up, hair, and nails of wedding parties, your prom, homecoming, or whatever other special event you have in mind. It wouldn't be a huge business, of course, so that I could still be at home with my family most of the time.... kinda just do it as a side thing. . . and then there's the part of me that realizes that there's a huge possibility that I'm going to marry someone who needs me to support HIM 100% in whatever it is that he does if I'm going to be the wife I'm supposed to be. I know that God is the only one who knows my future... if I even have a future. I just pray that He would open the doors that He wants open and close the doors to anything outside of His will. Dad wants me to get into industrial sewing.. and I don't hate it, don't get me wrong.. but I'm very unsure of myself with it. For one, I don't know anything about it! He says that if I just keep doing it I'll figure it out. I can't function that way! I need a class, something, some kind of surety that I know what I'm doing. I keep looking for any sort of classes around here and can't seem to find any as of yet.. Praise the Lord. I know that it'll all work out. I hate being in the phase of not knowing what's next. As much as I trust the Lord, and want to completely just believe I'm going to trip over His purpose for my life.. it's so hard not to think about and try to figure out on my own. *sigh*

My other mind consuming thoughts of the week are not understanding why my life has always been surrounded by people who walk out of my life as quickly as they walk in. I've always had a very stable family, and most things in my life are stable, and I'm very blessed to have that. But I've also lived with more people in my life than well over the average American.. and that part of life is very unstable. You never know who's coming or going, who's going to be around forever and who's going to leave in the matter of days. You never know who you can get close to and trust and who is going to walk out the door in the morning and never look back. Before I go any further I have to say that it's been worth it for the people that made it. The people that did stick around and listen have made a huge difference in my life and I am very grateful for them. There's no price that can be put on their souls and their lives being changed forever.
The easiest thing, and most obvious answer, would of course be to become a hermit and hide all of my feelings, never trust anyone, and wait until they've proven that they aren't going anywhere to open up to them. Well, it's not that easy. I'm an open person, I have nothing to hide. I want to give everyone a chance to know me, and a chance to be the person that's words could make a difference. I believe that I have been that person in the past.. I believe even some of the people that walked out of the door and seemed to have never looked back did. I'm ashamed to say that I've also been a factor in creating the people that left in the past. That's something I can never take back. The burden of that would be far too much for me to bear on my own and is something I must count as a lesson learned and move forward changed. Through His grace I believe He used even those situations to create something inside of me that nothing else could have. To realize the amount of grace that He showed me, and to know that I'm exactly like they are/were apart from His grace has changed me in an unexplainable way.

Wouldn't it be nice if life was the perfect place we all dream of it being? The perfect family, perfect friends, perfect world. But without the bad things, the hard times, how could we ever prove our love for the Lord? Without persecution, without trial, without chastening we'd go through life living for ourselves without a care in the world, not even realizing the amount of people going to hell every day and that YOU AND I are the ones who will make the difference in their eternity. I know without a shadow of a doubt in my mind that God is using every detail of my life to mold me into the person that He wants me to be. He never said it would be easy... but He did promise to never leave us or forsake us.

Thank You Jesus for always being there.



Lord God, I pray that you would give me direction, wisdom, strength, grace, and your agape love for every single person I come in contact with.

Amen.